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I don't know if next half of the year will be good.

But the 1st half of this year is certainly bad.

Haven't even gotten over the 1st 3 months thingy... and now i've to cope with 3 deaths.


IN ONE WEEK.


Everything happened so quickly... i didn't even have time to accept the change..

A week ago..

1 May (Sun) :
a telephone call woke me up in the morning... heard mum telling dad that something happened to grandma.. she was found lying on the ground at home.. not responding to my aunt when she shook her.. then she coughed out phlegm and blood. my cousin quickly called for an ambulance.. i thought it was just another minor thing.. since grandma hadn't been in good health all along. but heard from mum later that she had a very serious stroke.. and she was in a very critical condition. I didn't have time to visit her at the hospital that day.. so i could only go the next day. also, my hamster died that morning. a HORRIBLE death. it looked really rotten.. even before its death.. i wasn't really sad.. since i thought death was the best thing for him... he had been suffering for so long.

2 May (Mon) :
public holiday. woke up and realised that dad and mum left for the hospital without me.. so i had to meet up with my sis to go there together.. went to the ICU.. the place was really strict. only one of us could go in to see grandma at a time. when i went in.. i felt really terrible seeing so many machines attached to her.. whenever i talk to her.. she'll start breathing very hard.. as if she was nervous.. and when i stopped talking.. she'll calm down.. i was glad that at least she could somehow hear me.. later in the day.. she was transferred to the normal ward. then mum told me that the doctors couldn't do anything anymore.. blood flowed really deep into her brain.. the adults agreed not to let the doctor operate on her.. coz it will either kill her instantly or the "best" outcome, turn her into a vegetable. they didnt allow the doctor to install life support system in her if she really couldn't make it.. coz mum said grandma wouldn't want to live on machines.. she wanted to go peacefully.. so at that point of time what all of us did was to wait for her to go.. although it sounds bad but i guess that was what grandma would want too.. we took turns and watched over her day and night..

3 May (Tues) :
my eldest sis was still touring in china.. she received the news and took the earliest flight back to singapore.. i went to visit grandma again after school.. realised she was having a high fever of 40 deg.. gosh..the previous day she could twitch abit when we tickled her soles.. and now she couldn't.. it was heart wrenching to see life draining slowly away from her.. she was really struggling to breathe at that time.. but i heard from my cousin that the doctor said she had very little will to live.. we accompanied her till at night.. i fell asleep on the couch beside her bed and when i woke up i saw that my eldest sis arrived.. she was holding grandma's hand and calling her.. telling her she had come back to see her.. before that all of us believed that grandma was waiting for her to come back before she goes.. she wanted to see the last person. then big aunt brought jenessa, grandma's great grand daughter to see her.. it was a very depressing scene.. like those of drama series on TV.. all of us cried when we were trying to reach out to her.. only to see that she couldn't open her eyes to look at us.. but we believed she could hear us and set her mind at ease.. anyway most of us went home at 11 plus.. only some stayed overnight to watch over her.. including my dad and eldest sis..

4 May (Wed) :
5 plus am.. the phone rang.. it woke me up and i tried to listen to my mum's conversation from my room. a minute later my mum's woeful cries pierced through the silent morning and i immediately knew what was going on.. i went out to the living room and she broke the news.. i wasn't in the mood to go to school anymore.. and i was really tired to go to the funeral at 6am with my sis and mum.. so i went only at noon.. damn. although everything was expected but i couldn't accept her sudden death. she was still shopping with my aunt the day before she fell into the coma.. life is so unpredictable. she didn't look like her in the coffin.. the guy in charge of her make-up did such a sloppy job. anyway.. i couldnt study for the chem test the next day too.. so i decided to pon school again..

5 May (Thurs) :
funeral. folded lots of paperstuffs for grandma.. they said the more we fold.. the more money she'll receive in the nether world.. we did everything to make her life there easier.. lots of people turned up for the funeral.. which was a good thing.. but the funeral turned into an instant zoo with me and my siblings doing the monkey show when dad and mum kept flashing us to their friends -_-"

6 May (Fri) :
went back to sch.. did chem retest after school. sorry people.. it wasn't a fair test as i took 1 hour 30 mins instead of the time limit of 45 mins. halfway through my test a moth / butterfly flew to my table and stared at me. u know i'm afraid of such insects.. reflex action -- shoo it away. then stopped to think.. it must be grandma coming to say jiayou.. *sobz* the previous night a BIG butterfly came to the funeral too.. it was very obedient and settled on the altar. aunt kept insisting it was grandma who came back.. haiz. anyway me, yiting, joel and rachel stayed up overnight. i had to stay awake so as to keep the joss stick burning.. so we played bridge to keep ourselves entertained.. we sat there and played for like 4 hours? time flew and it was almost dawn.. suddenly joel started talking about grandma and how he used to complain when his dad asked him to call her up to talk to her.. well it triggered off our emotions and all of us started crying :(

7 May (Sat) :
really busy at the funeral.. serving food and drinks to the guests.. blah blah blah.. no time to sleep. then mood very bad. kept snapping at my mum.. sis and cousins.. sorry :( last day of funeral and it was really bad.. me n rachel felt so stressed coz we were scared of sunday as well as monday when sch reopens.. grr..

8 May (Sun) :
last day of funeral. also mother's day. bought flowers for all our aunts and mum.. not forgetting grandma. her grandchildren and children each gave her a basket of flowers.. heard that her god-daughter bought a bouquet of flowers and brought it to the market to give her.. seeing she wasn't there she asked the people there where she was.. they said she passed away and brought her to the funeral.. she didnt believe it until she saw her in the coffin.. then she cried till very cham and left that bouquet of flowers on her coffin ='( damn tragic. my aunts almost collapsed before the coffin when we were going rounds to look at her for the last time.. esp 2nd aunt.. crying and screaming till she almost fainted.. it was natural. imagine seeing your mother off on mother's day.. things were even worse at the crematorium. i had never seen my aunts so devastated before.. they were really shattered by grandma's death.. i cried my heart out when the coffin, with our mother's day flowers on top of it, were pushed in to cremate.. went to pick up her ashes after that.. was that really my grandma in that aluminium tray? while we picked her bones up from the tray we also found her scissors.. trouser's hook and necklace beads.. all charred. i was really very tired.. cried till couldn't cry anymore.. esp when images of her flash in my mind.. she really doted on us.. always gave us money to buy lanterns on lantern festival.. sewed pillows and 5 stones for us to play.. the last thing she bought me was the marshmallow chicken pillow.. which i hug to sleep every night. i hate the fact that i didnt have a chance to say goodbye.. didnt have a chance to tell her how much i love her..

9 May (Mon) :
my future niece/nephew died. my cousin-in-law suffered a miscarriage due to unknown reasons.. 2005 is such a fucked up year for our family.

dad says grandma somehow anticipated her death.. she even prepared a photo to put in front of the hearse. but why didn't she wait? my eldest sister's graduation ceremony and my elder sister's 21st birthday are in july.. plus her new flat is going to be ready at the end of the year.. but she didn't make it to live in her new house..

to my dearest grandma, you'll always be remembered.. may you rest in peace..

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